Are You Anxiously Attached?

Anxiously attached?

This one is for you.

I know more anxiously attached people than any other attachment type. This is because these people have a harder time finding love and keeping love than any other type of attachment and they seek help for it.

Before we get too far ahead I will tell you what the attachment types are according to John Bowlby, psychologist, who originally developed the theory of attachment.

According to Dr. Bowlby, there are four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized.

The topic of this article is going to be anxious attachment. If you would like to learn more about the other types, a quick google search will open a realm of information to you. I also recommend the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

According to Bowlby, anxious attachment is characterized by a strong desire for closeness, fear of abandonment, and heightened emotional responses in relationships. Individuals with this attachment style often crave intimacy and validation from others, stemming from early experiences of inconsistent or unavailable care-giving.

When I am coaching someone who is anxiously attached, they are usually unaware of their highly needy behaviour towards their partners.

They are so focused on what is going wrong or worried about doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, they can't seem to focus on enjoying being with the other person.

Some people become obsessed with another person because they are consumed by the feeling that this person is going to leave them. They try to hang on desperately by trying to control and manipulate.

Sound familiar? If it does, you could be anxiously attached.

As an example, I knew a young girl in her 20's who began dating a man she was really into. They dated for a few months and had a great sex life. She began feeling very insecure because in their third month, instead of having sex every night, they had only had sex 27 out of 30 nights. She began to feel insecure and undesirable because her boyfriend did not initiate sex for three nights of the month. She was beginning to think he was pulling away or becoming less interested in her.

This is an extreme reaction considering there were no other indications that he was losing interest. This comes from her own insecurities and past relationships that caused her to feel less than adequate.

I'm going to share a secret with you though....your insecurities and your past belong to you. The person you are seeing is not responsible to fix them for you. You are responsible to fix them.

This is why relationships with anxiously attached people are a challenge.

These personalities need reassurance, patience and a lot of trust. They need partners who are completely open, transparent and are willing to communicate consistently. While it is not the secure person's responsibility to coddle or baby the anxious person, knowing how to handle their needs and challenges in a relationship are key.

Is is also YOUR responsibility to question your behaviour and your need to be constantly reassured. Everyone would like to be secure and not worry about their partners and how they feel. You can become more secure if you learn to question your feelings and manage them instead of bombarding your object of your affection with all your past trauma.

Anxiety is only worrying about the future. The goal is to become present, be with the people you care about, enjoy the moment, and don't worry so much about what the future holds.

A secure attached person feels confident and realistic about their partners, wherever they may be in the progression of their relationship. They don't make up scenarios in their minds about next week, or next month, or next year. They also don't worry about when it is going to end because they know that if it does end at some point, they will be ok.

If you are struggling with anxious attachment and overwhelming feelings of looming heartbreak, I would love to work with you. Just click on a time slot for a video call with me to see if we would be a good match!

Take care of yourself!

XO Jenn