The Missing Step After a Break-Up

Let’s face it: break-ups suck.

Getting back to feeling good can be a long road. First there’s the “starting over” part, where we have to rebuild our lives without the person we’ve gotten used to leaning on.

Depending on how long you were together, and how intertwined things got, you might be untangling houses, cars, property, and children. Leaving all of that and starting over is no small feat. Then come the agreements and the splitting of assets, which can drag on even longer when feelings are raw.

None of this is pleasant or desirable. But it is worth it if you want real change. Peace, happiness, contentment, and satisfaction are worth turning your life upside down for. And in time, your children will see how much steadier and happier you are and appreciate the version of you that comes out the other side.

Once you’re through all that… that’s when the real work starts.

You say, “The REAL work????”

You heard me.

Because the real work is getting through the hurt and the pain. It is finding your way through everything that happened and arriving somewhere quieter: peace, acceptance, and a nervous system that is not on high alert 24/7.

I recommend doing this work before you move on to your next romantic relationship. You do not want to haul emotional baggage into a new connection and quietly (or not-so-quietly) punish your next love interest for what someone else did.

To create trust again, you have to learn to trust yourself to make the right choices.

TRUSTING YOURSELF

You may be wondering why I’m encouraging you to learn to trust yourself when obviously they were the problem, right?

Wrong.

Maybe in the end you couldn’t find it in you to trust them. I don’t know your situation. But the real issue is often this: you no longer trust yourself to choose the right person.

You will want guarantees that it will work out, and I get it. But here’s the thing. Guarantees are not included in the relationship package, with anyone. There are no guarantees.

To trust yourself again, you have to reach down deep and find where you hold responsibility in the failure of the relationship.

I know, I know. It was all their fault.

Wrong again.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

It always takes two people to break down a relationship.

Were you too needy?

Were you too reliant on them to make you happy?

Were you too busy to give attention?

Did you sacrifice quality time?

Were you overly critical?

Did you resent them for any reason?

There are always reasons why a relationship fails. It is your job to figure out where your weaknesses are, how to work on them, and how not to let them interfere with your future relationships.

ACTION: I want you to write down all the ways you could have shown up better in the relationship and how it would have been different if you had.

RECOGNIZING INSECURITY

When we create conflict in our relationships, it comes from insecurity. This is not our partner’s fault. We try to give them what they need, and they do the same for us. If we’re not clear about what we need, it can turn into conflict fast.

Your responsibility in the relationship breakdown often lives inside your insecurities. What are they?

And how do you address them?

I’ll give you an example.

When I walked away from my marriage, I had to take a deep dive into my part in why it failed. I was young when we got together, and I expected my partner to make me happy. I thought that’s what a boyfriend did. I really had no idea how to make myself happy.

I believed romantic love was happiness.

Fast forward 11 years: a house, a marriage, a baby… and I was the most unhappy I had ever been. I found myself attracted to other people and romanticizing being with someone else who could fill the void that was looming.

My insecurity around feeling unattractive and lonely made me needy and resentful. I resented my spouse for not giving me what I thought I needed. And then it all burst into flames.

What I learned over the next two years is that I needed to be alone without feeling lonely. I needed to be by myself without being bored. I needed to find my own fun, and also be okay with being bored. I needed to dote on myself.

You are allowed to have separate interests from your partner. It is healthy to have quality time together and  time apart. It is highly suggested, actually.

So take some time. Figure out your insecurities and where they led to your part in the breakdown of the relationship. Once you can pinpoint and heal these areas, moving forward will feel a whole lot easier.

Only then you will be secure enough to say “hell no” to the people who do not fit your life. And you will be open enough to welcome the people who might be right… at least for a while.

Take care of yourself,

XOXO

Jenn