3 Most Common Communication Mistakes That Quietly Destroy Relationships

Communication is one of the most common concerns in romantic relationships.

Being an active and effective communicator takes consistency and practice It is a fine dance between two people who know each other well.

Here, we will take a look at some common issues with communication and how to address them if you are wanting to find some peace and a closer connection between you and your partner.

We are not all born with the ability and awareness it takes to be open to criticism and eloquently voice our irritations without insulting someone.

One of the major communication issues with couples is right-fighting.

If you are having a discussion and your replies are arguments about why you are right and your partner is wrong, this can create resentment and arguments that never really get resolved.

Right-fighting is not conducive to connection but promotes a lack of connection because you never validate the other person and what they are feeling. It creates defensiveness in the other and they will work to defend themselves instead of receive your feedback in a positive way.

If you or your partner say something like, “That's not true, I do the dishes all the time! Don't tell me I don't help out around the house!”

The important thing is that your partner feels validated and that you care how they feel over being right. Which brings me to the next common communication issue; not feeling heard.

So many people in romantic relationships have told me that they don't feel heard, understood, and they feel lonely when they shouldn't.

How to manage this and find a deeper connection is to practice active listening. This will help with right-fighting and not feeling heard.

When having a discussion, it is best for one person to talk and listen attentively. When they've finished, actually repeat your understanding of what they said back to them to see if it's accurate. You will have your turn, it's important to try and understand where your partner is coming from before you respond. You want all the information before you prepare a response.

It's also important to take your time and be respectful. Emotional conversations should take place without yelling, name-calling and any disrespectful actions. When emotions get this out of hand, it can only cause damage instead of being helpful.

If you do happen to feel yourself getting out of control, it may be helpful to take a break and come back to it when you have both grounded yourselves and can approach it calmly.

The last major issue I'll talk about here, reported by couples, is shutting down or stonewalling.

Some individuals don't deal well with being confronted or having hard conversations. If the topic is difficult or something they don't want to face they might try to avoid it completely.

To work through this, know it is okay to walk away from a discussion and come back to it.

It is wise to use I-statements instead of placing any direct blame on the other person. It may lessen the want to flee from the situation. When we speak in I-statements, like, “I feel like you haven't been as present lately. I'm just wondering if there is something going on with you and if you want to talk about it?” This is more open than, “You're always gone and when you are here, you never pay me any attention.”

You see how the two are very different, one feels like concern and the other feels like an attack. We want to approach those we love with openness, understanding and respect. It's not always as easy as this but taking a break and controlling the way we speak to each other is as important with our partners as it is with our boss or our best friend or any other important person in our lives.

Just because we have committed to one another, promised for better or for worse, doesn't mean that we should throw out the rule book for respect and admiration. There is a reason we fall in love with someone and how we communicate to them is indicative of how we feel. So, even if you're annoyed with them because they left their towels on the floor, or they overspent on the Visa last month, there is an effective and an ineffective way to communicate your discontent over the matter.

If you would like any further help with your relationship and your communication skills, I would love to hear from you!

Take care of yourself, XOXO

Jenn