When I was 36 years old, I separated from my husband.
It was a tumultuous relationship and I no longer felt sexy or desirable. I had a five year old son and my body had been through a lot. Put a chronic disease on top of that and the fact that I had to move back in with my parents until a time unbeknownst to me.
I wasn't feeling like the most desirable woman in the world. I was feeling the exact opposite.
What I learned over those three years of dating, climbing out from a bad relationship, finding my own independence, and then finding the love of my life, I am now going to offer to you, my friend.
I hope that you can use this information and run with it instead of having to learn it through heart break and frustration, as I did. And, I hope you end up in the same space as I am currently; content, happy, confident, and extremely satisfied with where I have ended up.
The first thing I want to impart to any woman who is struggling with dating and finding real connection is: DON'T LET YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE HOLD YOU BACK.
A lot of women believe that they need to be a certain size, or look a certain way, or have a better job, or not have any children, or drive a certain car, or have a specific amount of money in their bank account, to date or move forward to find their happiness.
The only way you are going to find that happiness or that motivation to go for the life of your dreams is, if you do it NOW. Don't wait for something to be perfect, or the way you believe it should be.
When you are going out and getting things done, moving towards the things you want by doing the things you love, being brave and adventurous, instead of sitting in the house and feeling sorry for yourself, men will be attracted to you! They think that confidence and making life happen for you is sexy and desirable. And it is!
I began dating about a year after I separated and I was still living with my parents, but I was working towards buying a home and building a life for my son and I.
I was not dating so that I could find someone to take care of me. I wanted to work, make a living and provide for myself and my son and I was determined to do this on my own.
This was attractive to many men because they like women who are independent and have a mind of their own. They are attracted to women who have their own opinions.
Some women believe that if they act agreeable and pretend to have the same interests as the person they are dating that the man will like them more. This is not necessarily true.
It's good to have some of the same interests because it creates bonds and allows you to do some things together. However, it is ok to enjoy different activities as well. You do not need to sit in front of a three hour sports program if it is going to be torture for you. Take this time to pursue your own interests. Trust me, this will not create more space, this will only earn his respect. If you respect your time, he will also.
The next lesson I learned dating after marriage, is DON'T COMPROMISE YOUR VALUES.
As humans, we all have needs. We are physical beings and like to show our affection. Many women attach meaning to sex; whereas more men are likely to be able to walk away without becoming emotionally involved.
You don't need to do anything you are not comfortable doing. You also, don't need to be physical until you are ready and if someone is pressuring you, this is not the right person for you.
You definitely don't need to have sex with someone to keep their interest or make them like you. If a man is into you, he will wait until you are ready.
If you make the choice to have sex the first, second or third or fourth....or so on, that is your choice. I don't judge. Just know that there is consequences for the action.
If you are having sex because you want to and you're not attached to the outcome of the connection, go for it. However, don't have sex with someone if you are doing it to make them like you more. This tends to back fire on women.
Women have more feeling attached to physical intimacy. This is just biology. It's the way we are made. Once that physical boundary is crossed, we become a bit more monogamous or attach more meaning to it than a man might. Until you know for sure that he is dating you for more than the chance to get in your pants, maybe refrain from putting yourself in that position.
The last tidbit of advice I want to give you ladies, (or men if you're reading this), is DON'T GIVE UP ANYTHING YOU LOVE TO ENSURE SOMEONE LIKES YOU.
Our interests, our passions, our values, our beliefs, our desires, arewhat make us uniquely ourselves.
If someone is asking you to change something about yourself in order to be with them, let it go immediately.
I know you're saying in your head, ' Are you nuts, Jen? There are so few good guys left and I finally found an alright one. Now you're telling me to give him up because he wants me to stop hanging with my friends on friday night so I can be with him?'
Yep, I am.
Because, if he's asking you to give up something you truly care about now, it's a red flag.
Before you know it, he'll be asking you to skip your family dinners, and other nights out with friends, to skip the next yoga class, all to hang out with him. And you will, because that's what women do. We love our partners and we do what we can for them.
I'll tell you a secret though. Anyone worth sharing your precious time and your beautiful, wonderful life, will respect and appreciate what you love and would never dream of taking it away from you.
Another secret...I know you believe that all the good ones are taken and that you need to cling to what's in front of you because there won't be another one behind, but you're wrong. You have to make space for the right one to come in. You'll know when he does. The pieces will just keep clicking together.
Have faith.
Be yourself.
Your glorious, beautiful, unapologetic for who you are, self. Live like no one is watching and watch every man line up to date you.
Be kind to yourself.
XO Jenn
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